Warning: Engel doesn’t have an issue with profanity. This is probably not appropriate for children. She makes her case for why J.K. Rowling missed the mark in headlining the series with Harry Potter and not Hermione Granger.
“In preparation for the final Harry Potter movie, I’m rewatching all of the films to date. Thanks, ABC Family, for that well-timed marathon last weekend and sorry, my DVR, for taking up so much space. In the middle of Prisoner of Azkaban last night (I’ll admit that I had this thought before last night) I had a revelation.
The books should be named after Hermione Granger.
Yes, yes, sad times about that whole your parents dying thing, Harry. Please see the condolences card I sent you 12 YEARS AGO for my sympathy. In the meantime, look at how many people are COMING OUT OF THE WOODWORK to be your new mentor. Even McGonagall is like, “Hey kid, here is a free fancy broom. Just because that one time when your parents died and you’re good at catching shit.”
On the other side of the common room, we have Hermione, who is Muggle born, which means she simply doesn’t have that same built-in support as Harry. She can’t go home to her parents and talk about how people keep trying to kill her because her parents just wouldn’t understand. And while she’s at school, instead of having every single teacher fall over their magic wand to get on her good side, she’s held down. People won’t stop talking about her Muggle parents and it’s all she can do to keep up her studies. By which I mean, BEING BETTER THAN ALL OF THE SCHOOL.
And when Snape assigns homework, Harry is all, “Wah-Wah, there is sport tomorrow, fulfilling my responsibility will be so hard.” MEANWHILE Hermione is MOVING FUCKING TIME so she can take more classes. Because girl knows SOMETHING is happening and she needs to STUDY THE EFF UP.
When the time comes around to fight, the boys are like, “oh wow, look at this thing that happened! Isn’t that crazy?” Meanwhile Hermione is like, “idiots, I figured that out like 5 books ago. CAN YOU PLEASE FOCUS.”
Who actually forms Dumbledore’s army? Hermione. Who has the perseverance and planning to help them survive for the 1908830 thousand pages when they were just sitting in a tent in the cold? Hermione. Supes glad you mastered the patronus charm, Harry, but without Hermione, you wouldn’t even have your wand.
And after she saves the day and just about everyone in the entire book/series/magical world tells her that she’s “the smartest witch for her age,” is it Hermione who finally gets the fancy broom? Of course not. SWOOP IN AN STEAL THE GLORY AGAIN, HORRIBLE HARRY.
In the final book, the girl has to wipe her parents’ memory of any trace of her so they’ll be protected. Essentially orphaning herself. But do people feel bad? Do they start going all Harry Potter on her? No. They are like, “Oh, hey, Hermione, all of my friends and family who still love me and still know who I am are getting together for a massive party. You can come if you want.” and she’s like, “Jolly, fucking jolly, assholes.”
And in the end? She gets stuck with Ron. Ron who did not age well, Ron who really hasn’t done much more than sulk since that one time when he moved the pieces correctly in Wizard’s chess. Ron. Even Snape is hotter than Ron. I mean, at least let her have a little something, something going on with Sirius before he dies. Sirius is deserving of a woman like Hermione.
Finally, I present you with this photo from last night’s premiere. Here are our favorite kids (God, Neville, stop being so goddamn hot), and who stands out? Hermione. Girl is like, “Fuck this bullshit. I own this series. I OWN THEM ALL.””